My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
