pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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