dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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