Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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