please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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