I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
