i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
