One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
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