I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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