This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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