wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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