i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
