I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
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