I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
