official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
