Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
