Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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