He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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