i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
