apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
