I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
