Only a mothe r could love this liver
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
