One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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