I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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