i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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