I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I met the friendliest cop last night
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize