the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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