Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
