Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
