he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize