The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
