I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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