Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
this is an emotional support booty call
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize