he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
