Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
