If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
