I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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