does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
