i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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