Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's shark week go big or go home
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
