New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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