I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
