dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
