My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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