I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
