So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
