Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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