We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
