Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Pooping to opera.
Randomize