Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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