I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize