Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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