i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
