i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
