Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
