They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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