I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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